Todays blog isn't as happy or as positive, but a very tender subject.

How is it that we can love some one so much and have them seemingly not think to love you at all?

I have studied love and relationships on my own and through books and now in school since I was a young girl. I know about the love languages, the communication patterns, that it rarely is ever because any one person is at fault. I "know" all of this, but some days - like today- my heart doesn't understand. All my heart has to say is that for so long it has been yerning to feel that connection with the person that holds a place in my heart.

Here is the letter I would write to that person

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you. I know there have been differences of opinions. There has been more pain then we ever knew or know how to deal with, but we all felt it. We all are dealing with it.

Beyond the pain, I wish I could tell you how much I admire you. How much you have influenced my life. Your zeal for everything you do amazes me. The ability you have to constantly strive to master everything you do in life.

I long to be apart of your life. I long to hear what you think. I want you to know I want you to be happy. The choices we make all lead to our own personal happiness, but I don't think we tell each other enough that we know how the road is different for everyone. I don't want to change your road or tell you which road to take. I want to be there, I want to see the beauty of your road.

How can I tell you that I wish you could be the one that would be reading this blog every week, and that we could share those creative secrets we figure out in our delicious creations.

You could be one of my closest friends. I know I owe you so many I am sorries, and so many thank you's.

To my Brother, I love you. I always will.

To be or not to be

They say this is the question. What does that mean? I know right now it means do I engage in my day to day life or do I close the door to my room and stay in bed all day. For those of us running like mad women out there the day in bed sounds great until the reality sinks in and we realize that we aren't programmed to do that. Even though I am one of those women today I am not sure I should have forced myself out of bed. All it would take is one more thing and I am pretty sure I would choose to not be in this life any more. I am not saying death I am just saying a different life. Leave, change, start over. I don't know where I would end up and knowing would take away the appeal of the choice to leave.
     The thing I am glad to realize is that I still know all of this is choice. I know I have the choice to leave or stay.  I am still choosing to stay. I hope that speaks to my commitment to my life. This brings me to the real truth of this post. The truth about love is that it is not romance, it is not really even a feeling. Love is a verb. (I know some really well written man wrote an amazing post about this on his blog and it is being liked by a million men and women all over facebook) Today I am choosing to commit to my life. I am choosing to stay.
     I think the hardest part about staying isn't that I think there might be something better out there. The hardest part about staying is that I know is staying I am not in charge of my course. My life is tied to the life I am staying in. No matter how hard I try I can't guarantee the out come I want so desperately. The ability to make things happen is something that defines me. People have told me over the years that they know that if I make up my mind on something they know it will happen. I didn't know when I tied myself to this life that meant not being able to rely on that skill. I still choose to stay. I am willing giving all that I am so that I can no longer be an I but that I can be part of a WE and that WE has its own identity, talents and future. I choose to let that WE make its own life, it own future. I don't know if that WE has answered the question to be or not to be. I have. I am part of this WE.