So I am posting again. I haven't been this twitterpated in a very long time. I feel like I have found a long lost sister and or brother. I recently read a blog, The Weed. To understand why this blog is so amazing I need to explain the search I have been on.

I married into a mixed orientation marriage. I am straight, and my husband is gay. As you might imagine this presents some very unique marital issues. Marriage is hard enough as it is. We both knew this would be hard. We chose it any way. There are millions of books on marriage and how to have a good marriage and how to improve your marriage, how to deal with cheating husbands, how to deal with forgiving each other, how to over come abusive personalities, the list goes on. There are NO books, blogs, websites, or support groups for mixed orientation marriages. No one is talking about it. There are websites about women who married gay men and how to get out of marriages like that. That was not the advice I am looking for.  I will admit I was looking for an oracle type advice fountain to reassure me that things would "work". I have long since realized that the same principles that apply to "straight" marriages apply to my marriage.  What the blog "The Weed" provided was a common experience check point. After long nights of searching and wondering if my faith in my husband and I was right or not I found the "Weeds" who have been at it years longer than my husband and I. The joy can't even be described. They get it. They know what it means to choose love. They know what it means to put a different priority on sex and sexual ego.

Their love story is beautiful no matter what their sexual orientation is, but even more powerful to me is the community they are building. We are not alone, no we are not aliens either. They have loving started calling themselves unicorns. I don't know how much my husband likes that, but I am happy to have a community to be a part of. One that gets the needs, feelings, situations that are unique to our world. I have a place to turn. It is fun to part of something that is just starting to exist. The "outside" world has a lot to say about our little community. Straight and Gay a like, most of it is so misguided. Some people get it though. They see the power in what is happening. I just had to share this.

**** Disclaimer*** I wrote this about a year or two ago but didn't get around to publishing it until now****

The offer - is bigger always better?

This week I have been going through the business process of mulling over a job offer, while not being unemployed. I have never had the *ahem* "pleasure". I don't know if I ever want that specific pleasure again. I have never been so stressed. The other company made a compelling argument for me to move. They offered me two months paid maternity leave, unlimited PTO, Company paid for phone and computer, among the other expected benefits. On top of doubling my pay, as it was. All those things were extremely tempting. If I had ever been presented with the scenario before I would have said anyone would have been the fool for not taking this opportunity. I am sure people will say that about me. I realized something this week. Not all "great" things are the right thing. Sounds strange, and kind of "duh" but the truth of that simple phrase has never felt so profound. There is something to be said for slowing down and doing things right. The offer that was in front of me, was great but I am not done where I am at. I have a playground, for lack of a better term, that will allow me to create and play in the business world on a stage that no one is really looking at. That is good because when I mess it all up, and I will - only human- I will be able to get back in that playground and start over. I wont be on the chopping block, I wont have dealt the fatal blow to my career. Give me two years and I think I will be ready to play with bigger kids.

I remember a time in my life something like this happened. I was in seventh grade, John Hopkins got a hold of some of my test scores. I had no clue I was smart. They wanted me to go out there and take some of their tests and basically start the process of going to college at that age. I was flattered then as a child. I had always been told I was weird and stupid, you know ADD and all. My mother stepped in and told me she didn't want that for me. She didn't deny how flattering it was, and how great it was that I was being recognized for my intelligence. She didn't want me to have that kind of life. Some might argue that I would have a better life and might be so much farther then I am. They might be right. My life would be so different. I would most likely be in some science field, in a lab some where doing heavens knows what. That is what I wanted back then. I would never have learned about my love for psychology and business. I feel like this offer is like that. Is it a great opportunity and would it change my life for ever and fast track me to a great career and position is life. Yes it might. I choose to take my time and not miss out on the foundational building blocks I would miss by moving so fast.

I don't regret passing up the John Hopkins opportunity. The fast track isn't always best, and bigger isn't always better.

Here's to the lessons I am going to learn, and to the projects I am going to build. *Cheers*

Todays blog isn't as happy or as positive, but a very tender subject.

How is it that we can love some one so much and have them seemingly not think to love you at all?

I have studied love and relationships on my own and through books and now in school since I was a young girl. I know about the love languages, the communication patterns, that it rarely is ever because any one person is at fault. I "know" all of this, but some days - like today- my heart doesn't understand. All my heart has to say is that for so long it has been yerning to feel that connection with the person that holds a place in my heart.

Here is the letter I would write to that person

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you. I know there have been differences of opinions. There has been more pain then we ever knew or know how to deal with, but we all felt it. We all are dealing with it.

Beyond the pain, I wish I could tell you how much I admire you. How much you have influenced my life. Your zeal for everything you do amazes me. The ability you have to constantly strive to master everything you do in life.

I long to be apart of your life. I long to hear what you think. I want you to know I want you to be happy. The choices we make all lead to our own personal happiness, but I don't think we tell each other enough that we know how the road is different for everyone. I don't want to change your road or tell you which road to take. I want to be there, I want to see the beauty of your road.

How can I tell you that I wish you could be the one that would be reading this blog every week, and that we could share those creative secrets we figure out in our delicious creations.

You could be one of my closest friends. I know I owe you so many I am sorries, and so many thank you's.

To my Brother, I love you. I always will.

To be or not to be

They say this is the question. What does that mean? I know right now it means do I engage in my day to day life or do I close the door to my room and stay in bed all day. For those of us running like mad women out there the day in bed sounds great until the reality sinks in and we realize that we aren't programmed to do that. Even though I am one of those women today I am not sure I should have forced myself out of bed. All it would take is one more thing and I am pretty sure I would choose to not be in this life any more. I am not saying death I am just saying a different life. Leave, change, start over. I don't know where I would end up and knowing would take away the appeal of the choice to leave.
     The thing I am glad to realize is that I still know all of this is choice. I know I have the choice to leave or stay.  I am still choosing to stay. I hope that speaks to my commitment to my life. This brings me to the real truth of this post. The truth about love is that it is not romance, it is not really even a feeling. Love is a verb. (I know some really well written man wrote an amazing post about this on his blog and it is being liked by a million men and women all over facebook) Today I am choosing to commit to my life. I am choosing to stay.
     I think the hardest part about staying isn't that I think there might be something better out there. The hardest part about staying is that I know is staying I am not in charge of my course. My life is tied to the life I am staying in. No matter how hard I try I can't guarantee the out come I want so desperately. The ability to make things happen is something that defines me. People have told me over the years that they know that if I make up my mind on something they know it will happen. I didn't know when I tied myself to this life that meant not being able to rely on that skill. I still choose to stay. I am willing giving all that I am so that I can no longer be an I but that I can be part of a WE and that WE has its own identity, talents and future. I choose to let that WE make its own life, it own future. I don't know if that WE has answered the question to be or not to be. I have. I am part of this WE.